A Recently Acknowledged Joy is Clothing

May 11

A recently acknowledged joy of mine is clothing.

I think this has always been an interest to some degree, but I never gave it much acknowledgement or celebration because I always felt like it was shallow or unimportant. To care about clothing felt frivolous next to “real” stuff or more important stuff. And that is certainly true in many ways. It doesn’t mean, though, that it’s not important at all or has no value. And I’ve been thinking about how clothing relates to embodiment, aesthetics, beauty, self-awareness, bodily autonomy, the physical world and how those are integrated into lives and mindsets.

It also has be noted that as a cis white Christian in the US there are things that won’t impact me in how I choose to dress. I won’t be perceived as a threat while wearing a hoodie or discriminated against while subverting traditional gender expectations or harassed while wearing a religious garment or traditional cultural attire. So that’s an essential part of this topic that deserves acknowledgement and additional focus. (See additional reading at the end of this post.) My perspective and actions are thus not necessarily the same for everyone in all contexts, but I hope some of the themes of my journey can offer something to everyone.

A few random clothing memories:

I must have been about 4 or 5 when I had this off-white dress I loved. I remember telling my mom I wanted to be buried in that dress. (It didn’t occur to me that if I died as an adult I wouldn’t fit in the dress…) I’m pretty sure my mom was disturbed by my morbidity.

When I was in 4th grade my family lived in China. For those of you who aren’t aware, China is STYLIN. Anyway, I got this pair of hot pink wide leg capris with some random English words on them (a staple feature of clothing available in China at the time) and a loop of silver chain on one leg. I thought they were cool and fun, but I was also embarrassed to wear them to school, worrying that fellow students in our tiny international school would make fun of me. Those capris represented this feeling I had at the time of feeling like I had to hide part of myself at school to fit in. I remember writing in my journal that I wished I could reveal “my true personality of being cool” (aw, little 9-year-old Sophie! 💔).

In middle school I took some more unconventional turns such as dresses over jeans, giant t-shirts, long sweaters/jackets, loopy pigtails and asymmetrical pairs of braids, to name a few. I don’t remember much self-consciousness in my style at the time, though I think people did see it as a little odd. From what I remember, I think I enjoyed clothing during middle school. Or at least I didn’t really give much weight to others’ opinions. It felt authentic and nonchalant.

After middle school I feel like I toned things down overall. I didn’t stop caring about clothes, but I think I “chameleoned” a bit in both high school and college. We were back in the US, and I was desperate to make friends and to feel like I could fit in when I entered both communities. On the other hand, I think I also used clothes to try to subtly differentiate myself. I would wear clothes acquired in Asia to signal to myself, if to no one else, that there was this huge part of me that wasn’t integrated into the world where I was living.

Currently, it is deeply delightful to me to scroll for clothing inspiration on Pinterest or to go to the library and check out a giant stack of books on personal style. I think I still feel like I need to defend the value of that to myself... like, I feel sheepish about it. Why is that? Like I’m so afraid of being perceived as silly. Or as a woman I feel like I’ll be stereotyped in a certain way for unashamedly liking clothes. Even making clothing the topic of this early blog post feels kind of “unserious” to me. Like would it seem like I don’t have deep thoughts or that I’m oblivious to bigger issues in the world? Maybe no one else cares about clothing and it doesn’t resonate with people at all? Is clothing valuable in itself or only as it represents and serves as a conduit for other things? Is this all hyper-individualist? Is that bad?

Amid all the questions, a couple things I’ve been feeling in recent years and, especially, months about clothing:

I’m trying to intentionally embrace what I like. I’ve decided to embrace my middle school style energy and let myself like what I like without deeming myself too weird for liking it.

And I love it.

When I do embrace what I like it’s so fun and joyful, and I feel cool and artsy and badass. (Or maybe I’m just trying to rebel against convention… Well, either way, go me!)

It has also struck me how getting dressed in an intentional way each day (especially now when I only leave the house to get groceries or to go for a walk in my neighborhood) has been a way of creating a comforting stability of sorts. It’s something that’s within my control during this chaotic and unpredictable time.

Being stuck at home has also brought a kind of freedom in dressing- like sure my housemates might be quizzical of a bizarre outfit I put together, but it also puts things in perspective. After significant ethical considerations involved in clothing/selecting one’s clothing such as issues of cultural appropriation, environmental exploitation in materials/methods and treatment of/conditions for workers making the clothes (which are obviously huge considerations related to this topic), me wearing an outfit that others don’t understand is not something I want to be concerned about in the grand scheme of things. In fact, it might inspire someone else or bring me additional feelings of boldness or comfort. Getting dressed in an intentional way has been really good for me- kind of like a dynamic art exercise to start the day.

I think embracing the clothing and styles that I like and am drawn to and those that “spark joy” (gotta get some Marie Kondo in there) has also represented to me an embrace of myself in all aspects beyond only clothing. Like even the seemingly small act of asking myself, what kind of clothing do I like and dislike? What do I feel like wearing today-- and listening to that-- creates a really healthy precedent. This sets the foundation for asking myself: what do I like and dislike in other contexts? What am I okay with and not okay with for myself? What is healthy? What is sustainable and unsustainable for me? How do my values shape my actions and decision making?

In embracing clothing and style in a healthy, self-attuned way, I have given myself permission to find out what else I can embrace and learn from inside of myself. Allowing myself to enjoy clothing honors and gives validity to my desires and preferences in areas beyond clothing as well. It brings energy and life. It’s a way of embracing myself. It’s a way of acknowledging that the things I love and that resonate with me are worth pursuing.

Also it’s just freakin’ fun.